State Side Volume 1: Guns, Booze, and Stereotypes

Joe flying me around in his Powered Parachute - AMAZING!

It's hard to Belize I've been back a month already.  It seems like just yesterday I was enjoying the company of my friends, feeling the nip of the cool Colorado air, driving a car, and by the end of it feeling like I did miss the simple life here.  I'm glad to be back, even gladder I went, and truly feel like I've found a good balance these days (in most areas of my life - guessing the pan of brownies for lunch wasn't a good "balance" decision; but chill out mom that didn't really happen...or did it?).

First Dinner Home - Best Rolls EVER

So you want highlights?!  You want low-lights?!  I know you do!  I mean heck, the first section of my Cousin Jennifer's yearly Holiday letter that I read is always her "vital statistics" section...but that will come at the end.  Oh yeah...and this is only volume one of a yet to be determined number of releases. Lots of stories, and many may not reach the light of day.  But the sooner we get started the sooner we can go back to our drinks.

My Texas 'whip' - BMW 52?something

My window of time to see my main man Mark was incredibly tight.  I flew in on the 4th, and he left the 5th at 3pm for training in some other part of the US...trick is he was located about 340 miles away from my port of entry (the Bush International Airport - which had a lot of trees...but I really didn't see any bushes).  So after some yummy BBQ at Spring Creek, the BEST ROLLS EVER (like if Casa Picasso put their lobster sliders on this bread people would start WW3 for the rights to it) and a good nights rest I blazed a trail from Houston to Weatherford (just outside Fort Worth) in my parents sweet BMW 5 Series...that's right I haven't driven in 2 years and my parents were like "sure take our car on a 700 mile journey"...I keep telling you they're nice people.

Rita, Kristy, Joe - eating BBQ and sipping home brew

I truly cannot explain the what a relaxaing and joyous feeling it is to pull up on the Short Farm.  I met Joe and Rita (Mark's Aunt and Uncle) at Mark and Kristy's wedding many years back, and they are two of the most hospitable people I know (which runs like wild fire in Mark's family - and those they pick as spouses).  So much so that I stopped at their place when I was moving to Belize, originally for a night, and stayed 2...or maybe 3!  Joe crafts his own beers, which are on tap in the pool house, grills some great meat, and both he and Rita are such relaxing and calm spirits (which is odd since Joe is has an outwardly wild and exuberant persona) that you can't help but never want to leave.  Interestingly enough I'm pretty sure Joe will also be the neighborhood cat "lady" at some point...unless Rita can save him.

Joe, Kristy, Mark - all packing heat...that target is gonna get it

For our day on the Short Farm we did what you do in Texas...shoot guns, grilled meat, drank beer, flew around in a flying machine, and played some pool volleyball.  Joe and I dominated at volleyball (Mark had already got his car service to the airport - a great story here, but will remain untold)...even when his neighbor (who's name escaped me) went onto the girls team; didn't matter, we cleaned house! Truly an amazing first day back - seeing so many great friends, sharing beer and food, and flying in Joe's Powered Parachute; which is basically a go-kart with a big fan strapped to the back - kudos to Joe for wanting to try a third time when the first two takeoff attempts didn't go so well...but these things are very safe.

Me and my Aunt Dorothy

After a night on the farm it was off the next day; I drove back to Houston, with a stop in Huntsville to see my Aunt Dorothy and Uncle Kermit.  YEP!!  Kermit is my uncle.  Now you know why I can jump so high...and like thick women - for 'reals' though he's like a super famous author, check out his world famous book by click right HERE!!! For now we travel by air to Phoenix where my buddy Andrew and his lovely lady Amber live.  Two nights visiting his clan on tap.


Andrew is a friend from the old hotel days.  When I worked at Stonebridge Companies I was in charge of all Best Western and Wyndham branded hotels for them (that was 2 tiny hotels total...) and I went through Wyndham training with Andrew who worked for a company in Phoenix (at one point we were both SBC employees as well...and we're both NAU Lumberjacks!).

The Glazed Donut Gilled Cheese

Had a great time just relaxing, family dinners, chillin' each night in the pool with a HUGE PBR - it was 36 glorious ounces of PBR, and after being stuck with Belikin for 2 years it tasted like liquid gold; not as hot or melty as gold would be...okay that's a terrible analogy but I think you get my point. Amber made an amazing creation night one that she was nice enough to share, and I duplicated the next day...a grilled cheese on a glazed donut (Google just WILL NOT let me use "donut" without the "s" on the end...is it THAT inconceivable that I only had ONE donut?!).  No joke - so simple and yet one of the best things I've put in my mouth.  You need a good amount of butter, gotta basically get the glaze melting again and then have it recrystallize into an almost hard shell coating. I can't imagine what would've happened had I tried to put some bacon in there - I'd likely still be standing in their kitchen in a comatose state.  In fact I see bacon with a butter/sugar glaze coming to a charter in the near future.

All my hotelier friends will appreciate what Andrew did here!

One of Andrews adorable kids made a couple uber cute comments.  Night one I get there and he's telling me how I'll be using his bed with the sharks on it - and I need to be careful and "don't let the sharks bite you."  Then later he was asking if Andrew was sleeping in the bed with me, I said I doubted it.  He asked if Andrew would us the top bunk, I again said I doubted it and that he'd likely sleep in his room with Amber.  He looked at me and said "but you're here only two nights, why doesn't he sleep with you?"  I love the innocence of youth, that humans can live free of the negative connotation and thoughts that something must be abnormal.  Don't get me wrong - I'm happy to have slept alone, but I loved witnessing the pure innocence of youth - something we rob far too often and early these days.

Kitty Cat Time

Beer is not hard to get in Belize, but it is in the states for minors.  At a gas station one night there may or may not (but definitely WAS) an offer for a blow job in exchange for buying this under age girl some beer...we left the gas station and she was still beer less.  The next day driving through town in a rather large F-350 a lady in another very large truck hit our mirror with her mirror.  After agreeing to a quick cash exchange for repair she asked us to follow her to work so she can get the money.  She was an attractive Asian woman, looked Vietnamese, very well put together, nice clothes, boobs too large to missed by a passing satellite.  Andrew looks at me and says "not to be stereotyping...but I bet we're headed to a nail salon."  After a few blocks we round the corner, pull in a strip mall and see a huge Pho restaurant...which we drove right past stopping at the nail salon on the other side.


The next morning I boarded a flight bound for Colorado.  The bulk of my time, the bulk of my previous life...well...same life but my previous self I suppose.  I had a lot of very interesting revelations about a number of things during my time in Colorado.  Some you'll hear about, some I'll keep for me, and still others I've likely forgotten already.  

Time to go see what the tide has brought in today.  I've been on a real winning streak the past 37 years or so.

How to Guide: Hooker Advertising

I've never been a hooker. I've never slept with a hooker...okay I guess no one "sleeps" with hookers - but to be clear I have never paid for sex. Well hell...isn't that what dating is? To be as clear as I can be - I have never taken money and given it to a women (or man) for the express intent of getting sex. Okay people?!

So what do I know about hooker advertising? Fair question - I'm not very suggestable, ads really don't have much effect on me. However, a hooker that advertises her craft well can really make a guy think twice. I have experienced first hand this version of advertising on two occasions (once again...didn't buy the product; but I sure enjoyed the ad).

If you were one of the 7 people that read my last blog you say the reference to my Father's great experience. Well he has graciously let me tell the tale; the tale of the day he first experienced the advertising of a skilled hooker. A technique I like to call the Stealth Ninja Penis Wrangle.

The sun as waning (if that means setting...cause it was setting) in the west; nothing more than a faint yellow resembland of the blazing ball is was just minutes earlier. My Father and I strolled harmlessly down the street in West End on Roatan in Honduras. We wre minding out own business an lazily chatting about the prospects of taking in some highly recommended Thai food (I tried to use that word that mean food, the one that starts with the "c" but I couldn't spell it close enough for Google to figure out what I meant...ug) at Thai's Place - side note...best Thai I've had in 2 years.

I saw it...like a spark of electricity shot through Pops. As he turned slowly to his left (where I was walking maybe a pace back) I stopped and stood in stunned silence awaiting the reason for such a quick and unexpected guttual reaction to...well I had no freaking idea...apparently nothing. I gave a quick scan expecting to see some epic topless big 'uns somewhere...nope...that wasn't it. So I looked back at Pops, cocked my head to the side and likely raised an eyebrow in interest.

With a grin from ear to ear my father picked up his right hand and crookedly pointed at the young woman in the red dress that had just walked past us. I hadn't even really noticed her till his motion. as he pointed he simultaneously asked "did you see that?" through the excited toothy grin of teenager.

All I had noticed was a girl, in a red dress, walking down the street opposite us.

Well what I missed was an event that had not happened to my father in any of his previous 71 years on the planet. Seeing as I have been approached by some...well...hourly girlfriends lets call them; I was a bit more familiar with their advertising techniques.

You see, as this well put together young lady walked by Pops, she stealthily reached over, and gently fondled his twig and berries, gave his a smile, and just kept walking. An even that made his day...nay...his entire trip.

And that is the story of the Stealth Ninja Penis Wrangler.

Looking back I suppose it shouldn't have surprised me that we walked up and down West End every night there after!

Roatan - A Fool's Guide to West End and West Bay

Roatan was awesome!!

West Bay

So it's been far to long since this Fool meandered anywhere...and Roatan was the choice of places to break that drought.  Tropic Air  did an amazing job getting us there and back.  We all saved 10% on our flights by using the Tacogirl.com discount code!  The voyage started as a two man show - me and Pops, Easton.  My friend Heidi heard about the voyage and wouldn't be denied access to this lovely idea either - so along she came.


When a hotel is ranked 12 of 14 on TripAdvisor...there is a reason.  Don't let your friends tell you otherwise...choose another hotel.  Night one will go unmentioned as we all know I won't blast people and places; there are price points for all types, I can respect that.  Really it was a good thing I learned quickly that West End isn't my scene.  We spent night one there; it is a crowded part of Roatan, lots of people and things going on...something I wanted to escape a bit more.  After night one East and I bid Heidi adieu and struck out on our own - bound for West Bay...and my vibe!

Beach side at Paradise Oceanic

There we found the lovely Paradise Oceanic compound, and after being shown around by the lovely Cristy (on her day off no less) we dropped down the card to checked in (by 'we' I totally mean East bought...like a good Pops does for his son).  My office for the few days had a pretty stellar view as well.  With that settled the fun was to begin...


West End (WE) v West Bay (WB)

West Bay to West End

As stated earlier WE was a much 'busier' place.  Don't get pictures of high-rises and highways...it's one street.  It is just a packed street.  Bars, restaurants, dive shops, gift shops, people...everywhere!
It is very well done though.  I live in San Pedro, the thick of "fun" on Ambergris Caye - I wanted seclusion.  I will saw that if I lived on Roatan I would certainly visit often for food and fun!  WB was certainly the vibe I was looking for.  Spacious resorts, beach front access by those resorts, and the only throngs of people were on the beach during cruise ship hours.  The resorts were quiet, and the best part was at night - dark beaches; the moon and stars were the nearly the only lights.  It was amazing.

WB really only has beach restaurants that are part of the various resorts, so that the only 'real' nightlife is up in WE (once again I am on nightlife avoidance currently).  WB still has great places; my favorite was Thirsty Turtle and Pizzarama, both part of the Banarama property.  The pizza was amazing - East and I split a medium and it filled us for $14 US.  Great taste.  The sunsets viewed from the place were pretty amazing as well...made better by the 6 pack of Barena we went through all too easily.

There are many other little burgs on this magical island of Roatan.  Though I spent some time in all the major ones - I really can't say I got a good feel for them.  Certainly WE and WB were the two tourist and expat hubs, but plenty of other stuff to venture too.

Steak special at The Landings

One of my best meals was at the Landings, part of the Beach House up in WE - a lovely spot that is the only place right on the Beach, everything else is across the street.  I had the steak special; a delicious ribeye perfectly cooked and lightly sauced with a horseradish spread.  The steak is SO much better in Honduras.  A huge stack of Al dente sauteed veg and a chunky mashed potato that had a caramelized and lightly crisped stack of onions on top.

We really didn't spend much time in any of the other areas of Roatan, least not a basis that lends to anything exciting to say.  Don't get me wrong - there are a lot of awesome little places, but we were in and out and on with our lives in most of them.  So...I guess I need to go back and do more 'research' on them right?!


The biggest, most easily noticeable difference in the people was a pride for their country, and a real ownership for their part in it.  I did see once instance of a person littering, but other than that - they all cleaned!  I lost count on how many people were out front sweep the streets and sidewalks in front of their businesses.  If you can believe it - I saw NO ONE peeing on anything?!  Well, I did see myself pee in the bathroom but that's not really the point people. Recycling is common on Roatan.  These bins were common, and even more common were plan big metal bins.  They were designed to be filled with plastic trash - and a guy just comes around and collects it.  Wish we did a bit more of that here.

Most interesting time of the trip - ask Easton...it's his story to tell and involves a beautiful Stealth Ninja Penis Wrangler


A few more pics...

My office view from Paradise Oceanic

Lamanai Landings; Crocs, Crops, other words...

View from my balcony...it was a rough few days ;)

Let's start today with a little lesson in Mayan language arts.  Thousands travel to Lamanai annually to explore this amazing ruin site - however next to no one knows where they are.  "Lamb-in-eye" as everyone says it means 'city of much insects' in the Mayan language.  But they didn't name the city after insects (side note - not one bite that day!) they instead named it after crocodiles...submerged crocodiles to be more accurate - "La-mon-eye-een" is the city of submerged crocodiles.

Its great to get away.  Everyone needs a few days every now and again to get a bit of a recharge in the system, and even if you do have to work a bit each day - the change of scenery and a few new experiences makes a world of difference.

Balcony = Croc spotting station

My most recent trip to the "center of hell" (according to our Accounting Manager) turned out to be so lovely that 2 night easily became 4 nights.  Lamanai Landings was a great little unexpected bit of paradise in the middle of what I thought was going to be a buggy, sweltering, suck fest.  To be completely fair I found the entire area district of Orange Walk (that I saw) to be really very nice.  The hotel is 3 miles outside of town, and situated on their private lagoon.  All the rooms have patios over the water, so you get a wonderful cooling breeze.  Best part is the crocs in the lagoon!  Killed a lot of time staring at crocs.

Being a family business guy, and general supporter of most things Ecological, Lamanai Landings had many practices that I really appreciated.  One being they grew the blackberries that were in my blackberry Mojito, The other being their dedication to the village they are in and supporting the residents of that village. Tower Hill Village is comprised of about 165 residents - and somewhere between 30-40 of them work in some capacity on the Lamanai Landings project; be it in construction, cleaning, guest service, etc.  Every Thursday is kids movie night too; all the village kids are invited to come in and enjoy a nice AC filled room with movies playing; great opportunity for local fellowship.

Tacogirl.com, Claudia, and that other girl
perched atop the tallest temple. Sorry "other
girl"...I'm sure you have a name.

We of course went up to Lamanai and did that tour - it was fun - but Lamanai Landings has many unique tours and offerings that make it a special place and separate it from the pack.  Since the hotel just opened in July many tours are still being tweaked and brought together to create the best experiences, and given the personal attention from Blanca and Enrique you're sure to enjoy them.  Perhaps the most unique (so unique that most Orange Walk residents don't even know it's there) is the cenote tour.  It's a private cenote - so you've gotta go with LL.  They offer many variations of the tour; you can get a quick dip, or relax on a private floating dock (being constructed now); nothing like enjoying a private lunch in your private cenote, listening to only birds and monkeys and things.  Then perhaps getting a massage from their massage therapist as the water calmly laps beside you.  Good day.

Tacogirl.com scaling her
way down to the cenote

Lamanai Landings private cenote

Other fun stuff includes exploring the lagoons - soon to be opened up in a bird watchers parades (another LL exclusive to the area), tours of the rum distilleries, enjoying Orange Walk town and their amazing tacos.  Croc spotting while on a night river safari was super fun...I did get to wrestle a mighty croc, and I won.  Course he was only like 3 feet long, so he didn't stand much of a chance.  FYI - before you spam me for being insensitive to creatures you should know this - I'M JOKING.  I wrestled zero crocs.


I wasn't going to mention being scared out of my mind - but I suppose I should.  I rode in a real car, on a real road for the first time in nearly a year on this trip...scared me to death.  Seriously.  I can only wonder how I handle driving in traffic and such again some day.  I jumped at the chance to ride in the back of the truck one day - I handled life much better back there.  Also rode a bike with gears for the first time in forever - I'm out of shape.

A few more random pics:

Llamanai Landings Hotel, Marina, and Smokey Mermaid

Spider Monkey

Llamanai Landings Hotel, Marina, and Smokey Mermaid

Sunset - Town Hill Village; Orange Walk, Belize

We were so lost till we found this sign

Time to Breath

Me and Linda after
she decorated my goatee

The world is seemingly nothing of what it was 8 months ago.  I thought I had an appreciation for the change ahead in my life, I thought I knew what I was getting into...little did I know I was about enter a world so many long for and don't even realize it.  A world where people are genuine, a world where someone's word is worth far more than a claim check, a world where you start asking about your friends if you haven't physically seen them in a few days, a world that can be so busy that you blink in November and open your eyes in March, a world I wouldn't trade for anything...

It's been a crazy busy few weeks - Brian is down for a visit, Eric got arrested, I made it on the board for the Tour Operator Association...plenty of other stuff happened.  Mark, General Manager of The Phoenix (a multiple winner of the #1 Resort in the Caribbean) paid my staff an amazing compliment yesterday.  He told me that he was so impressed at how they cared for everyone on the Sunset Sail and that even though they ran, jumped, cleaned, served, and hustled the entire time, because of the smiles and great attitude they exuded it didn't look like they had worked a minute. A team that truly loves their job will never work, but have fun living life and the things we do.  So blessed that is my team.

Eric singing "Kiss me I'm Shit Faced"

Saint Paddy's Day...wow...I'm not sure I know how I survived that odyssey.  It was fun partying with my man Tomas, operator of Hostel la Vista.  The night started innocently enough at Lola's...but the night got crazy once we got to Pedro's.  Eric sang karaoke, Brian and I watched and enjoyed some killer beef stew.  I danced some two step with a very nice lady I've met many many times...I can never remember her name (I want to say Kristen...but not quite). What makes it worse is I have NO problem remembering her friends name - cause she's hot and single (both are totally hot, but the one I danced with is married...though I should really remember her name cause her and her husband Randy are cool people - Canadians...of course they're cool). After Pedro's - no comment (5 hours of my life I would have rather slept through)...but David, you're broken selfie stick is still in my house.


So Eric was arrested last week - briefly!  He resembles a guy wanted for murder apparently.  The police treated him extremely well and he treated them with respect and kindness as well - cooperating with each request quickly and smoothly.  Luckily Brian was around to go back to the house and collect Eric's ID.  He found me and we went to the station to prove my brother's innocence. When we arrived he was already un-cuffed and sitting there; the officers apologized for the confusion, and my brother being the stand up guy he is (even at 2am), told them they had nothing to apologize for and that he appreciated them trying to keep us all safe.  Wise words young lad.

The sobering part of that was a few nights later.  We ran into a woman that stopped us, she said she was so sorry that my brother got picked up by the police.  You see this is the woman that came to the station before Brian and I got there and had told the police Eric wasn't the guy...the guy that killed her son.  The world is small...on an island it is microscopic.

This is the greatest place on Earth.  The people of San Pedro Belize and more amazing than anticipated.  There is no doubt in my mind that Ambergris Caye should win #1 Island in the World every year.

I really wanted to hit the emotions surrounding the loss of my dog Bailey the other day...but this post is long enough.  Suffice it to say that it made me more than a little sick, and thinking of the past.

Okay, its a been a couple days and I have a bit more writing mojo; Bailey (pictured left); passed away a few days back.  He was the weirdest damn dog.  You could hold this dog and pet him 23 hours a day, and by goodness the second you removed your hand he was so incensed and looked at you like you must hate him.  We had a fun little game, cause he would let you put him in all sorts of weird places and not issue a single bark, called "Where's Bailey".  He ended up in coolers, dryers, back packs, boxes...you name it, he was likely there.

  Eh, emotions and such.  Just need a bit of time to breath.
 

Kiteboarding Adventures on Ambergris Caye

Kiteboarding Belize...wow.  Over the years I've seen plenty of crazy people doing this sport and thinking they were bat shit crazy. Likely they are - but I hope to count myself among them!  I had many preconceptions about this sport that have vastly been proven wrong. An absolutely enormous thank you to Andy with Belize Sailing Center and Audrius the KiteXplorer instructor in San Pedro, Belize. Thank you so much for the invite - awesome experience and I will continue my kite education. There are so many great learning opportunities through this great organization - www.belizesailingschool.com


I've always been into some semi-extreme action sports; snowboarding and mountain biking.  So putting a board on my feet and going fast is nothing new - and water is softer than snow right?!  Not so much.  Audrius said, during my lesson, that I had the best kite control by a first day student he had ever seen.  Was this a move to boost my ego and get a good review?  If so - it worked.  But I was amazed at how well I was able to feel the kite and know what to so to get it where I needed it to be.

I've decided to tail the tale via my busted misconceptions about this sport.

Super easy and super quick rigging

Misconception 1 - Stupid amounts of gear, stupid amounts of set up (kinda like a baked potato if you know me at all).  Even as a guy that had to be walked through everything we had the kite setup and ready to fly in maybe 15 minutes.  The gear fit easily into packs, was REALLY light to carry, and not at all the cumbersome mess and cords and crapola I had been expecting. One trip to the boat is all it took; I took more junk to work most days in my previous life.

tacogirl.com - Audrus keeping her from
taking flight!

Misconception 2 - You have to be skinny and sexy and in great condition.   I'm a big dude, decent shape for my size, but still big.  My classmate on this day was tacogirl.com - the skinniest person I've ever known.  I was sure she was gonna disappear into the sky forever...she did not.  Though she did some pretty gnarly face plants.  The way the kite is attached to the harness takes the pressure off your arms and allows your whole body to feel the kite.  Your arms essentially hang free - only used to control the kite.  I was expected a huge pulling force on my arms, and it doesn't exist.  I can see how even a non athletic person can kite for hours.  Caye Caulker here I come!

Taking a stroll on the beach with 'teach'

Misconception 3 - I'm gonna slam into Caribbean Villas trying to learn this thing.  HECK NO.  We were taken to the back side of Ambergris Caye to this HUGE area in the flats.  There was a beach, sand bar and endless amounts of real estate to allow the kite to body drag us in waist deep water.  No hotels or docks to worry about, no deep water to struggle in.  Tons of space where we didn't have to worry about people or things - just us and our instructor.  Something else missing - NO Sargasso!!  The water was clean and free of the evil weed.

Embarrassing moment of the day - during one of my body drags I hit a shallow part of the sandbar, drug my waist on it...shorts hit my knees.  I'm happy to say I maintained kite control and got my pants up before anyone noticed.

No one around to worry about - can
learn all over this place!!

So if you've ever even fleetingly considered this sport...do it. Head down and do some sailing in Belize at the Belize Sailing Center at Caribbean Villas, and schedule a lesson.  Here's the caveat, let me know when you're going cause I want to come too.  I need to work on my kite control and body drags so I can graduate to a board!